Well, i'm here finally on my last day in this godawful job. And i'm elegiac. I'm sat twiddling my thumbs because even though i've only been given three days to get all the work done for the training programmes up to christmas, i've done it all anyway. The story is a long one....
I handed my notice in on Friday which went really well. I was thanked for my honesty in expressing that there was someone out there more capable at the telesales aspect of my job. On Monday i found out that they wanted me to get everything done and leave on November the 7th, they asked me if that was okay. Hmm... thought for all of a millisecond and said YEAH!!!
On Wednesday morning i left an answerphone message stating i would be an hour or so late as i was getting my haircut. (The MD does the same when getting his haircut and they call me senior management so i thought Hey!) When i arrived in work there was a letter on my desk telling me i was leaving this friday and that i would still be paid up to this Friday, even though i'd behaved impolitely and unprofessionally. Now anyone reading his knows me and thats like a red rag to a bull.
I wrote a letter to the old cunt who sent me that one. He's 66 claims to be a Film Director of international reputation (as in he once when he was younger worked with some famous people, i mean ever heard of John Sichel??? I doubt it.) but he's just a grumpy old cunt with an out of date TV and Theatre training centre on his doorstep. No one stands up to him, no one. So i did.
The letter merely apologised for my behaviour saying that i was acting as i had seen others behave, and that i recognised and accepted the new
Friday, October 31, 2003
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Too much time to think about These Things.
I'm not sure i can attribute my sudden well being to the act of sexual congress. Both Emily and myself have been wondering why we aren't changed, why we don't feel that different. Sex is one thing, caring about someone is something different, and we have a situation which makes us hunger for each other i.e. we work together and have to hide the fact. Plus we're both a few years out of the loop when it comes to intimate physical contact. My groin hurts like a motherfucker. We've used muscles that neither of us have used for a long time.
Perhaps the funniest thing is that last night i had a nosebleed whilst on the job. Is it a physical manifestation of my real fears and anxieties. I doubt it...
What still concerns me is the necessity of it. I enjoyed what we did on Sunday, though i enjoy certain aspects of making music a great deal more than a bit of animalistic rummaging.
I've always attributed my lack of sexual desire to:
A) Having spent time on Prozac; before which i was a horny and near unstoppable shagging machine.
B) My most serious relationship to date which i believe made me confuse sex with commitment and being loved.
I find being loved very hard, in the same way i find being praised hard. I worry that perhaps i don't like the girl as much as she likes me and that if i sleep with her, in the end, she'll fall in love with me and never want to split up. I suppose that makes me feel trapped. But why should i feel this way? Is it because i don't really fancy her? Is it because she's not the most attractive girl in the world? I've always found independence a turn on and i've always found that an independent girl will miraculously transform into one emotionally dependent on me and i don't like that. I am attracted to them as they are not how they've become because of me.
I find sex a messy and strangely uncomfortable affair, perhaps i'm too pragmatic and rational a person to cope with the notion of feeling horny. Yes i can be as stiff as the next man in seconds, but i feel detached from it. (Not literally) Yesterday i wrote that i think too much about everything and that really covers it, even when i'm concentrating on the job in hand i'm thinking about other things; thoughts, feelings, am i doing it right, what do i do next, what do you want me to do???? and this detracts from the all encompassing feeling of sexual pleasure thats meant to absorb me and make me a part of her.
Nick: whats the name of that book you had about sex?
Maybe i'm just not doing it right.
Why do i worry so much about emotionally hurting them?
Why can't i be like all the other men in the world and not care, just fuck em and dump em.
Move on to the next?
Music in my Mind: Pet Sounds. I can't imagine writing a song like ...Made For These Times even though it resonates within my life more than many songs. Ever since i first heard it, i heard my own life in it. Like my own confusion about the world around me and the way we're supposed to get through it. I'm 24 and i still feel as lost, submerged perhaps, in the world around us. Feelings and emotions do not make sense. Intellect and intuition don't make sense. You are nothing until someone tells you you are.
Perhaps the funniest thing is that last night i had a nosebleed whilst on the job. Is it a physical manifestation of my real fears and anxieties. I doubt it...
What still concerns me is the necessity of it. I enjoyed what we did on Sunday, though i enjoy certain aspects of making music a great deal more than a bit of animalistic rummaging.
I've always attributed my lack of sexual desire to:
A) Having spent time on Prozac; before which i was a horny and near unstoppable shagging machine.
B) My most serious relationship to date which i believe made me confuse sex with commitment and being loved.
I find being loved very hard, in the same way i find being praised hard. I worry that perhaps i don't like the girl as much as she likes me and that if i sleep with her, in the end, she'll fall in love with me and never want to split up. I suppose that makes me feel trapped. But why should i feel this way? Is it because i don't really fancy her? Is it because she's not the most attractive girl in the world? I've always found independence a turn on and i've always found that an independent girl will miraculously transform into one emotionally dependent on me and i don't like that. I am attracted to them as they are not how they've become because of me.
I find sex a messy and strangely uncomfortable affair, perhaps i'm too pragmatic and rational a person to cope with the notion of feeling horny. Yes i can be as stiff as the next man in seconds, but i feel detached from it. (Not literally) Yesterday i wrote that i think too much about everything and that really covers it, even when i'm concentrating on the job in hand i'm thinking about other things; thoughts, feelings, am i doing it right, what do i do next, what do you want me to do???? and this detracts from the all encompassing feeling of sexual pleasure thats meant to absorb me and make me a part of her.
Nick: whats the name of that book you had about sex?
Maybe i'm just not doing it right.
Why do i worry so much about emotionally hurting them?
Why can't i be like all the other men in the world and not care, just fuck em and dump em.
Move on to the next?
Music in my Mind: Pet Sounds. I can't imagine writing a song like ...Made For These Times even though it resonates within my life more than many songs. Ever since i first heard it, i heard my own life in it. Like my own confusion about the world around me and the way we're supposed to get through it. I'm 24 and i still feel as lost, submerged perhaps, in the world around us. Feelings and emotions do not make sense. Intellect and intuition don't make sense. You are nothing until someone tells you you are.
Monday, October 27, 2003
Four Years Later.
(Firstly let me apologise for what i'm about to say) I had actual, physical, sexual intercourse this weekend. After about four years in the (pardon the pun) fucking wilderness, i have put my man bit inside a girls bit. And yes, it was fun.
Has it changed the person i am? Not really, i'm happier, i suppose and the road rage was utterly non-existent this morning.
My groin hurts. But it hasn't changed my world, except that all the expectation and angst, anxiety and nervousness thats prevented me from doing it before has gone. What the fuck was i so worried about?
But then we're very comfortable with each other and we could talk openly about it. I've been incapable of having sex within the last 4 relationships i've had, purely because of nerves and anxiety. The weight of my social conditioning and testosterone squashing me into a nervous wreck, too frightened to be 'impolite' with a girl. The expectation of males is to get in there and get on with the job, but that used to just make me more nervous. I don't understand where my new found confidence in this area came from.
The whole problem with sex and my life, before, during and after is that i think too much about everything.
Music in my Mind:The Last Broadcast by Doves. Listened to it coming back from Tamworth with Emily, sounded great. Listened to it on the way to work, sounded great.
It's my own music thats in my mind at the moment though, we haven't practiced for a month nearly and i'm busting to sing and play. I've got real feelings running through me and i want to fucking scream them out through my music, not only that but hopefully i'll be starting to have some singing lessons soon...
Has it changed the person i am? Not really, i'm happier, i suppose and the road rage was utterly non-existent this morning.
My groin hurts. But it hasn't changed my world, except that all the expectation and angst, anxiety and nervousness thats prevented me from doing it before has gone. What the fuck was i so worried about?
But then we're very comfortable with each other and we could talk openly about it. I've been incapable of having sex within the last 4 relationships i've had, purely because of nerves and anxiety. The weight of my social conditioning and testosterone squashing me into a nervous wreck, too frightened to be 'impolite' with a girl. The expectation of males is to get in there and get on with the job, but that used to just make me more nervous. I don't understand where my new found confidence in this area came from.
The whole problem with sex and my life, before, during and after is that i think too much about everything.
Music in my Mind:The Last Broadcast by Doves. Listened to it coming back from Tamworth with Emily, sounded great. Listened to it on the way to work, sounded great.
It's my own music thats in my mind at the moment though, we haven't practiced for a month nearly and i'm busting to sing and play. I've got real feelings running through me and i want to fucking scream them out through my music, not only that but hopefully i'll be starting to have some singing lessons soon...
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