Too much time to think about These Things.

I'm not sure i can attribute my sudden well being to the act of sexual congress. Both Emily and myself have been wondering why we aren't changed, why we don't feel that different. Sex is one thing, caring about someone is something different, and we have a situation which makes us hunger for each other i.e. we work together and have to hide the fact. Plus we're both a few years out of the loop when it comes to intimate physical contact. My groin hurts like a motherfucker. We've used muscles that neither of us have used for a long time.

Perhaps the funniest thing is that last night i had a nosebleed whilst on the job. Is it a physical manifestation of my real fears and anxieties. I doubt it...

What still concerns me is the necessity of it. I enjoyed what we did on Sunday, though i enjoy certain aspects of making music a great deal more than a bit of animalistic rummaging.

I've always attributed my lack of sexual desire to:
A) Having spent time on Prozac; before which i was a horny and near unstoppable shagging machine.
B) My most serious relationship to date which i believe made me confuse sex with commitment and being loved.

I find being loved very hard, in the same way i find being praised hard. I worry that perhaps i don't like the girl as much as she likes me and that if i sleep with her, in the end, she'll fall in love with me and never want to split up. I suppose that makes me feel trapped. But why should i feel this way? Is it because i don't really fancy her? Is it because she's not the most attractive girl in the world? I've always found independence a turn on and i've always found that an independent girl will miraculously transform into one emotionally dependent on me and i don't like that. I am attracted to them as they are not how they've become because of me.

I find sex a messy and strangely uncomfortable affair, perhaps i'm too pragmatic and rational a person to cope with the notion of feeling horny. Yes i can be as stiff as the next man in seconds, but i feel detached from it. (Not literally) Yesterday i wrote that i think too much about everything and that really covers it, even when i'm concentrating on the job in hand i'm thinking about other things; thoughts, feelings, am i doing it right, what do i do next, what do you want me to do???? and this detracts from the all encompassing feeling of sexual pleasure thats meant to absorb me and make me a part of her.

Nick: whats the name of that book you had about sex?

Maybe i'm just not doing it right.

Why do i worry so much about emotionally hurting them?

Why can't i be like all the other men in the world and not care, just fuck em and dump em.

Move on to the next?


Music in my Mind: Pet Sounds. I can't imagine writing a song like ...Made For These Times even though it resonates within my life more than many songs. Ever since i first heard it, i heard my own life in it. Like my own confusion about the world around me and the way we're supposed to get through it. I'm 24 and i still feel as lost, submerged perhaps, in the world around us. Feelings and emotions do not make sense. Intellect and intuition don't make sense. You are nothing until someone tells you you are.