The End...?

I left my letter of resignation on my Managing Director's desk this morning.

I have not felt so happy and full of life, as if the weight of the world has been lifted, since i found out i had been given the job.

The environs of the job have been the reason i have felt trapped, i am isolated physically by it's rural setting and alienated through my employers lack of interaction with the outsider world.

I feel happy.

I really, really fucking do.

How do you ignore being patronised?

It's something i've always worried i do when i talk to other people. I know that i don't patronise or talk to people in a condescending (sp?) fashion, i have no arrogance in me to do so. The MD of the "company" i currently work for ignores everything i say, considers it irrelevant and doesn't believe me when i say things. He doesn't find any of my humourous comments funny, he just sighs and continues with what he's saying. It's killing me, becuase he's no better than i am at anything (apart from sucking cock). He is so fucking arrogant it's beyond belief.

Over a meal with Emily last night i realised why they treat me this way. It's because they see me solely as their telesales donkey, the reason they don't recognise my talents in other fields is because they see me solely as their telesales donkey. In them seeing me this way it crushes me even more that i can't do the job, don't want to do the job and will be leaving the job. It also reduces me to something i am not. My whole image and persona for them is built round this task i have to carry out for them. Yes! i realise i was employed to fulfil this role, but i can't and as soon as i tell them so i might as well hand my notice in. Which i want to do within a week or two. Well i'd walk out today if my social conditioning and awareness of how the world works stops me from doing so. but to what ends should we go to seek happiness?

James: thank you for the emails, they made me feel better. Don't worry, this job will be over soon, i am facing up to the inevitable and looking at going into teaching. I think i'm going to do a post-compulsory PGCE in literacy (rather than numeracy, i can't teach what i don't know!). This job has clarified my hatred for the corporate/sales/cock-sucking environment. The people i work with are so uninterested in the people who work for them, they are only interested in this insignificant little company they've created over the years. It is so tired and staid it's beyond recognition. When i tell people i work for a video production company they go "Wow!". But they're shit, they produce wank corporate videos for wank backslapping companies. A day at work is like watching a mass fellatio session. Everyone backslapping and being smug about they're shit productions of theatre and video. They're caught up in their own little worlds and i hate them for it.

Nick: you know me well enough to know how i talk and feel about things. I am working on stopping it, i am working on getting myself out of this fucking awful mental state i'm in. I just feel trapped by the fact i can't do the one thing i have to as the main part of my job. I feel trapped by the necessity to start having a career (mainly because of the attitude all these cunts i work for have, positivity, drive, ambition, etfuckingcetera) but they're so positive with each other they just don't see that it's all shit. They have no creativity, yet they train these poor fuckers who've spent 10,500, to try to be creative, but then shit all over any ideas they may have, replacing them with their late 80's ideas of entertainment and art.

I love you both, and i'm starting to love myself again. I'd started to think iwas working towards something with this job but i'm not. The carrot at the end of the stick is corporate bullshit they wouldn't ever let me get involved in the aspects that i would want to be. I want to be creative, they don't want other people to be creative. I hate fucking writing and talking about it. As it doesn't make it any better. It just makes me angrier.

Never before have i felt like this...

I cried at work today.

I tried my hardest not to.

I actually cried at work.

I have never had a job that made me this upset. Only once in my life have i felt this powerless, futile and out of control and i cried then.

I cried at work today

No matter how i say it, there has to be something wrong.

^{I cried at work today}

Looking at it now and feeling more numb than i did earlier, it doesn't seem to mean anything to me anymore. There are too many factors adding up at the moment. I have so many things that can make me happy in my life but there is one thing that is ruining it all.

I have a new female friend. We are a lot alike. We are getting on in ways i never saw myself ever doing again with another human being. We are being kept apart by my job. I am being made to feel wretched nearly every minute of every day by this job. Every aspect of it is killing me. I have gained all the experience it can give me, or rather all the experience i want to take from it. I could improve my sales technique, i could make my boss thousands of appointments but i can't. Because i don't want to.

I hate the people i work for, i hate everything they love, everything they work for, everything they believe in. I am not prepared to make myself like them. I am a funny, intelligent, creative, caring and loving human being. These people do not know this, they don't want to know it, they just want me to make appointments for my boss, who visits customers, who give money to the people i work for. I do not want to do this, they do not deserve me, they do not recognise or deserve my talents, i fucking hate them and their smug, self satisfied lives.

I...

Cried...

At...

Work...

Today............................................................................................................