James: thank you for the emails, they made me feel better. Don't worry, this job will be over soon, i am facing up to the inevitable and looking at going into teaching. I think i'm going to do a post-compulsory PGCE in literacy (rather than numeracy, i can't teach what i don't know!). This job has clarified my hatred for the corporate/sales/cock-sucking environment. The people i work with are so uninterested in the people who work for them, they are only interested in this insignificant little company they've created over the years. It is so tired and staid it's beyond recognition. When i tell people i work for a video production company they go "Wow!". But they're shit, they produce wank corporate videos for wank backslapping companies. A day at work is like watching a mass fellatio session. Everyone backslapping and being smug about they're shit productions of theatre and video. They're caught up in their own little worlds and i hate them for it.

Nick: you know me well enough to know how i talk and feel about things. I am working on stopping it, i am working on getting myself out of this fucking awful mental state i'm in. I just feel trapped by the fact i can't do the one thing i have to as the main part of my job. I feel trapped by the necessity to start having a career (mainly because of the attitude all these cunts i work for have, positivity, drive, ambition, etfuckingcetera) but they're so positive with each other they just don't see that it's all shit. They have no creativity, yet they train these poor fuckers who've spent 10,500, to try to be creative, but then shit all over any ideas they may have, replacing them with their late 80's ideas of entertainment and art.

I love you both, and i'm starting to love myself again. I'd started to think iwas working towards something with this job but i'm not. The carrot at the end of the stick is corporate bullshit they wouldn't ever let me get involved in the aspects that i would want to be. I want to be creative, they don't want other people to be creative. I hate fucking writing and talking about it. As it doesn't make it any better. It just makes me angrier.