Another weekend spent Sleeping, Smoking and Washing...

It’s all gone tits up. On Friday I spent the day shirking my telephone reponsibilities, finding anything and everything to do rather than phone loads of people I don’t know, who don’t know me, have better things to do with their time and who don’t want an appointment with one of our sales managers. But it is the main thrust of my job. Whereas the main thrust in my previous job was cutting lettuce and whilst I didn’t enjoy it, I did it (except of course for the mornings where I stayed in bed!). You got on with it because you had your boss breathing down your neck to get it done. If you weren’t cutting enough he’d happily tell you to get a move on. I don’t have this with my new job. There is the constant pressure to get appointments, but without the actual threat.

Although that threat reared it’s quite unattractive head on Friday. My boss Duncan wanted a word with me at the end of the day, so I went to see him and we had a discussion about appointments and sales calls. He said he wanted me to think about it over the weekend then have 10 minutes with him today explaining the situation. He either expected me to hand in my notice or to tell him that I do want to be good in that aspect of my work and that the future is bright.

Of course I went to him with the latter. There is a part of me that would love to hand my notice in and have done with the world of telesales, but the experience this workplace can give me is invaluable. Add to this the fact that I AM CAPABLE OF ANYTHING I TURN MY MIND TO and you have success. It’s just a real big hurdle I have to get over and whilst there is a whole load of helping hands ready to help me over this hurdle, there is only one person who can decide whether I make it or not and that person is me. The obstacle to my happiness, wellbeing, success and fortune is me or rather my mind.

I am uncharacteristically nervous when I sit down with the telephone, which doesn’t get me off to a good start. I am then thoroughly aware that I MUST make some appointments from the (let’s say) 40 calls I have to make. Then when I am on the phone to the person I am thoroughly aware that they don’t have time for me or what I have to say, they aren’t interested (but that’s because I don’t make it sound interesting). I then worry about not knowing the right thing to say, which makes me say the wrong thing, I panic in the gaps between either of us saying something which is when my mind makes those pauses in the conversation even longer and more painful than they are. When they say they’re not interested I accept that and put the phone down. I do not know how to convince someone of something, although I am incredibly good at explaining the way something works to somebody. I worry that I am saying too much, but feel uncomfortable with my smaller script. I feel uncomfortable using sayings and phrases that I would not normally use, they do not come out of my mouth comfortably, either to my ears or somebody elses. I am too preoccupied thinking about what the other person might be thinking about me to think clearly about the subject and conversation.

It’s just not me.